The Amazing Adventures of Captain Obvious

Friday, October 24, 2008
Hello. I am Captain Obvious and this is my incredible story. One day, I woke up and did my normal routine you know, wash my face, have breakfast, the usual. Then I climbed up my house to fix the roof. I walked around, surveyed the area, and me being stupid, fell down a big gaping hole in the roof. Now, i expected to fall on to the pile of rags I put under the hole earlier, but NO, I had to fall into the Land of Crazy, greeted by an elf, and dragged to the pixie village of Puppy... No seriously, it was actually called Puppy, freakish pixies... Anyway, the Mayor of Puppy, Faerie Stick said "Be thee friend or foe?" I answered in a calm tone "Depends on my mood." Faerie Stick said "Very well. I shall give thee a challenge. You must answer this question : "If I had 61 chickens, and owed you 56 chickens, How many fowls would I have left in the pen before the Great Beast eats them?"


Intrigued and amazed by the question, I answered with another question, or questions: "What do you mean by Great Beast? Come on a math question? What's with the ye old--" "ANSWER THE QUESTION OR BE DEVOURED!!" Faerie Stick screamed. At the time I was thinking Dude, take a pill! but I knew that would offend him even more, so I said "5!"


The mayor was oddly over joyed that I answered the question. Then, he, being his pixie self, had back flipped, did a cartwheel across the courtroom as everyone gazed on mouths agape.

Now after the great feast , I finally got the guts to ask "Not to sound ungrateful, or anything, but, why the hospitality just for answering a math question?" The mayor and everyone else in the hall turned depressed. Like the happy meter in the room just shut off. Even the Jester's pants stopped sparkling. Everything from then on just turned into something out of a sad movie. The hall went dark, a spotlight shined on Faerie Stick, even the band played a slow, somber dirge in the background. Then Faerie told me. "The land is in peril. Ever since last year, a terror has risen up from the land and destroyed our Great Hall of Knowledge. It holds every last bit of wisdom and knowledge the village of Puppy has ever produced. Just last month, we have had every part of it rebuilt... that is except for the Room of Numerics. It is he only thing that had stayed in ruin. But, there is hope.
Prophecy states that a man that knows his math can save us. He must challenge the Great Beast in his lair, and answer the questions he asks." Being Captain Obvious, I could not resist the question "But, Faerie, why don't you go into the lair and answer the questions yourselves?" He looked at me, looked at his subjects and sighed. "I, nor any of my subjects remember any math since the Great Hall was destroyed. Which is why you must go in and save our town from complete ignorance." I was as awed as the pixies when Faerie Stick was cartwheeling through the courtroom. All I could say was "Sure". I've regreted that moment ever since.

Now I have to find the Great Beast's lair. Great. Well, at least I was given a map. So I looked and saw, of course, yet another math question. At least it was written out properly this time:

(-12)+15+(-82)= ?

All I was thinking was Okay CO, go back to junior high. What did Mr.Kcebrah keep screaming at us? Umm... "Combining like terms!" So I did what any person would do and solve the problem.



When I wrote the answer down the map glowed and showed an arrow which pointed to the Peaks of Shurli Di.

I was somewhat annoyed by this but I had to help those crazy pixies so what could I do? Run? tough luck. They sent guard dogs after me so I couldn't turn back. All I could do was suck it up, and take it like a man. So I while scaling the cliffs I so happened upon a cave with a boulder in the way. Seeing the weather getting bad, I tried to pry the boulder out, but a booming voice boomed and said "WHO DARES TRY TO ENTER THE CAVE OF REFUGE?!" This practically scared me out of my wits so I said "Captain Obvious." The voice said "Well Captain Obvious, how do you feel about a test of knowledge? What is the sum of -9 and 151?" The wind of course was howling so LOUDLY, I was completely unable to hear him. So I asked "Can you write it on the rock?!" "Very well..."


I saw this question on the exam every year thinking the teachers thought we were too dumb to solve it. So I calmly SCREAMED " 142!" Now it was the voices turn to not hear someone speaking and yelled "WHAT?!" Now my vocal cords were getting sore so I just earased the question mark and wrote it on the rock.


"Ohhh..." The voice said. Suddenly, the boulder shook and a giant looked at me, smiled and jumped off the cliff. All I could do was think Well, THAT'S one thing I did not want to see.Then I just went into the cave and slept for the night. The next morning, I left the cave, and headed for my final destination: The Lair of the Great Beast. Then, like magic, I appeared in front of it. I thought Get it over with already! and stormed into the cave.

I then slammed face first into the door when, BIG SHOCKER, a math problem pops up.


I was just thinking of screaming then and there but, I would really hurt my vocal cords. so I just sat down and thought. And finally after like 30 seconds of thinking I said "ONE!" Now the problem started to glow and then, the door opened!


Suddenly a large bellow came out and all that came out of my mouth was "This'll be harder than I thought." So, I walked into the cave, ready to face anything...

I almost freaked once I saw what was in the cave: engraved on a stone tablet, in huge bold numbers was another math question. I was so mad I almost blew the thing up with heat vision (YES, I have heat vision), but I couldn't. The explosion would put me in a body cast. So what did I do? I pulled the white rock up to the slab and solved it (with great difficulty. Why is the writer putting me through so many challenges?).
Then I had a flashback to Junior high. My math teacher always said "NEVER SUBTRACT. Just add the opposites." That's what I did.
The next part was weird. The rock started glowing and some quiet music played in the backround. Suddenly, the rock cumbled to dust and revealed a door (I thought Zelda was going to sue somebody). I entered the mysterious room and to my displeasure saw what looked like the Master sword stuck in a pedestal. If that wasn't aggravating enough, there was also a little glowing ball of light with wings floating by the sword. I walked up to it and asked "What in the name of the Land of Crazy is this?!" The little fairy in it's own weird way fluttered around and said "Why Captain, you are in the Lair of the Beast. Faerie Stick probably told you the whole story so, I'm just here to help you. I am Vina. Now, take this game controller. I want you to slowly put in the code A, B, Start, Select, up, up, down, right, start. This will take you to the first puzzle." I just quickly replied "Forget it! I can one up you. Knoami code time! Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start!"

The Konami code wasn't the smartest move. How was I supposed to know? If it works in Contra and Ninja Turtles, why didn't it work in this world? I mean common, it LOOKS just like a game! Anyway, I was suddenly transported to what looked like the Death Cavern (at least, that's what the captions said) without the Super Awesome Magical Sword. The only negative part I fopund about this Cavern is that EVERYTHING echoes and Vina wouldn't shut her big, fat yap. "So I says to him, I says 'Why can't you beat this guy? I mean, common, you'll fight harder guys than King Dodongo. He's only the level two boss!' and then he has the nerve to--" "SHUT UP ALREADY!!" Suddenly, a huge roar bellowed out of the cavern. I froze, my heart skipped, Vina still wouldn't shut up. Then a voice, a horrible demonic voice screamed " If you shall try to destroy me, you will certainly fail. For no man, woman, ogre or anything intelligent enough to weild a sword has ever tried and succeeded." I couldn't take this any more. I just lost it. I picked up the controller and entered as many cheat codes I knew. Then a light glowed and everything went white.

I was just overcome with random emotions. First, I was worried because I thought I just lost control of the dam for a second, but then I realized Vina just spilled a glass of water on me. Next, I was over joyed because I was holding the Super Awesome Magical Sword. Finally I was so MAD, I was melting things with my heat vision, BECAUSE INSCRIBED ON THE WALL WAS YET ANOTHER. FLIPPIN'. MATH QUESTION. So what did I do? I started to melt things with heat vision. After everything was turned to soup, I started to solve the question.




Suddenly, the rock started to glow and the Great Beast shattered the wall the question was written on. Then a loud voice that sounded a lot like Ashton Kutcher. He said the worst six words I have ever heard in my life.
"CAPTAIN OBVIOUS, YOU'VE JUST BEEN PUNK'D!" "Then I woke up. So doctor, what do I do? You're the therapist." "All I can say is lay off the snow crab and root beer before bed."



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